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Forum Jokes

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Railcar

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CARRIE THE CAREFUL COMMUTER

Carrie was a careful commuter. She had a long way to go to work, with several changes, but if she was lucky and the connections were good, she could get there in an hour and thirty-five minutes. Carrie lived in Basildon and her journey took her from Essex, through the City, to Harlesden in North-West London where she was a clerk and progress-chaser in a warehouse.

On Monday morning it was raining. Carrie had a five-minute walk to Basildon Station. She had to cross Station Way, and she waited for the lights to turn red and for the traffic to stop because she was a careful commuter. Carrie paused at the shop in the station entrance to buy a copy of the i newspaper. She glanced at the headlines – ‘Government in turmoil’, ‘Lion escapes from London Zoo’, ‘Football star demands transfer’. She used her season ticket at the barrier (for she was a careful commuter) and climbed the stairs to the platform.

As she waited for the 0721 to Fenchurch Street, the loudspeakers boomed ‘SEE IT SAY IT SORTED’. Carrie was a careful commuter and felt that if the railway authorities needed to repeat that message endlessly they must have a good reason, but it did get a bit tiresome. Because she was a careful commuter, Carrie stayed well away from the platform edge and waited until everybody else had got on before boarding. As she did so the loudspeakers boomed out ‘STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS’. She did not get a seat.

On fine days Carrie would walk from Fenchurch Street station though Fenchurch Street and Lombard Street to Bank Station for the next part of her journey. As it was raining, she got off at Limehouse. The loudspeakers boomed ‘CHANGE AT LIMEHOUSE FOR THE DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY’. At the Limehouse DLR platform, Carrie (being a careful commuter), stayed well away from the platform edge and waited until everybody else had got on before boarding. As she did so the loudspeakers went ‘PING’ because the doors were closing. She did not get a seat.

The DLR train took her to Bank station with just one stop at Shadwell. At Bank she changed for the Central Line. Being a careful commuter, Carrie stayed well away from the platform edge and waited until everybody else had got on before boarding. As she did so the loudspeakers boomed ‘MIND THE GAP’. She did not get a seat.

The Central Line took her to Oxford Circus. She had one more change. Carrie was relieved when a nearly-empty Bakerloo Line train entered the platform. One carriage seemed particularly empty. The doors opened, she stepped inside carefully (because she was a careful commuter) and fell over the sleepy lion that had escaped from London Zoo. The lion woke up, extended its paw and made her its next meal. At that moment this announcement echoed down the platform

‘STAND CLEAR OF THE DOZING CLAWS’.
 
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AndrewE

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One for all fellow Yorkshire persons. Woman dies. Husband speaks to stonemason says he wants "She was thine" on grave stone. Man goes back next day and sees Mason has carved "She was thin". He berates Mason and says he's missed of the 'e'. Goes back next day and looks at gravestone it now reads "E she was thin".
Could we polish that up a little? How about

A Yorkshireman who had spent his life promoting his heritage and dialect regretted that he had never been able to get a Yorkshire version of the Bible published.
When his wife died he spoke to the stonemason he said he wants "She were thine" on t'gravestone, in keeping with his principles...

Man goes back next day and sees Mason has carved "She were thin."

He berates Mason and says he's missed off the 'e'.

Goes back next day and looks at gravestone...

it now reads "E she were thin."
 

EbbwJunction1

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Scientifically, a raven has seventeen primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing; they are called pinion feathers. However, a crow has sixteen of these, which only proves that the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.



(Ignore the attachment - it's empty!)
 

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DaveHarries

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My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music...I said: "Didja redo it?"

(On another note, in light of the recent Bristol rioting I was going to put my opinion of the rioters into a joke which contains the plural of a 4-letter word beginning with C. Question is whether I would get banned for doing so.)

Dave
 

gnolife

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My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music...I said: "Didja redo it?"

(On another note, in light of the recent Bristol rioting I was going to put my opinion of the rioters into a joke which contains the plural of a 4-letter word beginning with C. Question is whether I would get banned for doing so.)

Dave
I didn't think that the word 'carts' was that offensive
 

REVUpminster

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My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music...I said: "Didja redo it?"

(On another note, in light of the recent Bristol rioting I was going to put my opinion of the rioters into a joke which contains the plural of a 4-letter word beginning with C. Question is whether I would get banned for doing so.)

Dave
Try it on the Brexit Thread. No sense of humour there!!
 

Loppylugs

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(On another note, in light of the recent Bristol rioting I was going to put my opinion of the rioters into a joke which contains the plural of a 4-letter word beginning with C. Question is whether I would get banned for doing so.)

Dave
No problem with clods, or perhaps I'm missing something ***** !!! (I fully agree)
 

Calthrop

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What do you call a Priest who travels around the country? A Roamin' Catholic.

Continuing on this theme:


What do you call a priest of the Eastern Church, whose spare-time hobby is studying installations at which vessels moor, for transferring of people / goods to and from dry land; and writing books about same? "Auth[or] o' docks" [Orthodox]

And -- a Yorkshire-born Moslem cleric, who in his childhood was a timid, wimpy kid and something of a Mummy's boy, over-given to appealing to his mother for sympathy: "Ee, mam !"

And a Jewish minister of religion from Scotland, mega-enthusiastic about the poems of Robert Burns, prone to thus vocally paying tribute: "Ye're the mon -- Rab, aye !"
 

Loppylugs

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Jumbo jet 37,000 feet up on a trip from Heathrow to New York. Message comes over from the Captain: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of one engine. This will delay our journey by roughly 15 minutes.
Ten minutes later a second message: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of a second engine. This will delay our journey by up to 30 minutes.
Ten minutes later a third message: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of a third engine. This will delay our journey by about an hour.
Passenger turns to his mate and says: " Blimey, if any more go we'll be up here all day!"

I know it's an oldie but hoping others will respond with better jokes as I've really enjoyed reading them all.
 

d9009alycidon

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22 Jun 2011
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Eaglesham
Jumbo jet 37,000 feet up on a trip from Heathrow to New York. Message comes over from the Captain: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of one engine. This will delay our journey by roughly 15 minutes.
Ten minutes later a second message: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of a second engine. This will delay our journey by up to 30 minutes.
Ten minutes later a third message: Sorry to inform passengers we have lost the use of a third engine. This will delay our journey by about an hour.
Passenger turns to his mate and says: " Blimey, if any more go we'll be up here all day!"

I know it's an oldie but hoping others will respond with better jokes as I've really enjoyed reading them all.
Alleged true story of an announcement on an HST.......

"I have bad news and good news for all passengers, the bad news is that both engines have failed, the good news is that this isn't a Boeing 757"
 

py_megapixel

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Here's one I posted as a status update last Christmas before I realised this thread existed:

What's Father Christmas' favourite local authority area?

The London Borough of Ho-Ho-Hounslow.
 

Calthrop

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Utterly dreadful joke made up by the late travel writer Patrick Leigh Fermor; found in a book reprinting correspondence by him:

Q: What do you say about a yacht-owner who is a nicer fellow than he at first seems to be -- whose yacht is ramshackle and unsafe to travel in; it's even more dangerous than the (warned-against) coastal cove or bay in which he has chosen to moor it?

A: His barque is worse than his bight.
 

Loppylugs

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Couple decide to divorce after ten years of marriage. "Ok" says the judge, "have you decided on who has what?" "Yes, says the wife, "we want a complete fifty-fifty". "But I see you have three children" says the judge, "how do you propose to handle that?"
Whispers between husband and wife. "Right" says the husband, "we've decided to have another one, we'll see you next year".
12 months later the couple appear in front of the judge again. "Righto" he says, "we can sort things out now".
"Sorry" says the husband, "no can do. We had twins!! See you next year".
 

Calthrop

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Couple decide to divorce after ten years of marriage. "Ok" says the judge, "have you decided on who has what?" "Yes, says the wife, "we want a complete fifty-fifty". "But I see you have three children" says the judge, "how do you propose to handle that?"
Whispers between husband and wife. "Right" says the husband, "we've decided to have another one, we'll see you next year".
12 months later the couple appear in front of the judge again. "Righto" he says, "we can sort things out now".
"Sorry" says the husband, "no can do. We had twins!! See you next year".

I thought for a moment, that you were going to go the 1 Kings 3, 16 - 28, route...
 

341o2

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An actual exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a Pan Am 747, call sign Speedbird 206
Speedbird 206 to Ground "Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate alpha one seven"
The plane started, then slowed down and stopped
Ground "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206 "Stand by Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"
Ground (impatiently) "Have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop"
 

najaB

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Scotland
An actual exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a Pan Am 747, call sign Speedbird 206
Ruined the joke for me: Pan Am's call sign was Clipper (or Pan American in some situations), Speedbird is British Airways. The joke would work with either but not both!
 

Master Cutler

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23 Jan 2021
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Mansfield
I was telling my friend I'd been dating twins and he asked how could I tell them apart.
Well I said, Cindy is 5'10" tall with blond hair and blue eyes, and Colin has a beard and smokes a pipe.
 

scotrail158713

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Dundee
A person has been stealing wheels from police cars in the area. The police are working tirelessly to catch the thief.
 
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