Festive songs

[Loppylugs]

No getting away from it, five weeks from you-know-what. To reflect the problems of global warming, how about a change in our traditional festive songs.

To the tune of Frosty the snowman:

Frosty the snowman has had a very bad day.
The sun came out at 9 o'clock and melted him away.

Or how about: I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas.

Any good ideas out there?

 

[341o2]

There are several versions of Christmas carols such as

While shepherds washed their socks by night All seated round the tub
A bar of sunshine soap came down And they began to scrub

Good King Wenceslas drove out in has Austin seven
Ran into a trolleybus, now he's up in Heaven.

Hark the herald angels sing, Mrs Simpson's pinched our king
Peace on earth and mercy mild, Mrs Simpson's had a child

We three kings of Orient are, one in a taxi, one in a car
One on a scooter bipping the hooter, following Ringo Starr

 

[duncanp]

The one we sang at school was:-

We Three Kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear
No elastic
How fantastic
Why don't you buy a pair

 

[Gloster]

From my school in the late 1960s and early 1970s:

Oh, star of wonder, star of night
Sit in a box of dynamite
It was loaded
It exploded
Now he knows how to blow his top

We also had the three kings of Orient trying to smoke a rubber cigar, but I can’t remember any more.

My father’s 1930s version of ‘While shepherds watched...’ referred to Sunlight soap.

 

[duncanp]

From my school in the late 1960s and early 1970s:

Oh, star of wonder, star of night
Sit in a box of dynamite
It was loaded
It exploded
Now he knows how to blow his top

That last line doesn't scan or rhyme does it

Rather like

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the bank
The angel of the Lord came down
And gave them all a blessing

 

[Calthrop]

Those shepherds -- World War I topical version --

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground;
A high-explosive shell came down
And mutton rained around.

 

[Gloster]

That last line doesn't scan or rhyme does it

Rather like

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the bank
The angel of the Lord came down
And gave them all a blessing

I can’t remember exactly how the last line went. I originally (when I first read this thread) thought it was something like: ‘Now they know how much it takes to blow your top’. I am not sure if that scans or rhymes either, but a) it is around fifty years ago, and b) it was schoolboys, so it may never have scanned anyway.

 

[341o2]

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, you are very fat
I was sleeping peacefully and now my bed is flat
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, how much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer who has to pull your sleigh

 

[duncanp]

I can’t remember exactly how the last line went. I originally (when I first read this thread) thought it was something like: ‘Now they know how much it takes to blow your top’. I am not sure if that scans or rhymes either, but a) it is around fifty years ago, and b) it was schoolboys, so it may never have scanned anyway.

I think instead of "blow his top" there may have been a five letter word ending in the letter 'e', and the first four letters being a word that describes what bears do in the woods.

 

[Gloster]

I think instead of "blow his top" there may have been a five letter word ending in the letter 'e', and the first four letters being a word that describes what bears do in the woods.

No, I don’t think it was vulgar, but I can’t really remember that far back.

 

[duncanp]

No, I don’t think it was vulgar, but I can’t really remember that far back.

Quite possibly the official version wasn't vulgar, but I'm sure that wouldn't have stopped a few schoolkids making up a vulgar version.

 

[johnnychips]

Dear me, this brings back memories. Our three kings were in Trafalgar Square, not Leicester Square, and it scans better. One not mentioned so far:

Good King Wenceslas looked out
Of his bedroom window
Silly bugger, he fell out
On a red hot cinder

Edit 2 - I’ve remembered how this continued:

Brightly shone his nose that night
Though the pain was cruel
Then the doctor came in sight
Riding on a mu-u-le

…and of course this relies on the northern pronunciation of ‘window’, and ‘bugger’ not really being considered a swear word where we came from, so you could sing it in front of your grandma without consequences.

There is also a version of Jingle Bells

We used to sing:

Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin ran away
The Batmobile has lost its wheel
And landed in the hay

There is a superb video by Tom Scott about this

Further memories are coming back:

Oh come all ye faithful
United/City are disgraceful

depending on whom you supported, but I can’t remember the song continuing, and also in ‘Ding Dong merrily on high’, we always replaced the last line Hosanna in excelsis with ‘United versus Chelsea’.

Edit:

And @duncanp , my version of your carol in #3 has just come back too:

We three kings in Trafalgar Square
Selling knickers, tuppence a pair
They’re fantastic
Without elastic
Very unsafe to wear

 

[Calthrop]

A couple from childhood --

Chorus parody:

No ale, no stout, sold out, sold out;
This is the song that the pub-keepers shout.

And recalled from primary school, featuring the carol "Now the holly bears a berry..." -- parody of a verse of that one, so rude and blasphemous that I couldn't think of repeating it here.

And -- sorta-kinda French translation of a Christmas rhyme:

Noel est venant, l'oie est devenant gros --
Priere de mettre un franc dans le vieux homme's chapeau.
Si vous n'avez pas un franc, mettez la un sou;
Si vous na'vez pas un sou, alors, Dieu benisse vous !

 

[Ianno87]

How did Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

 

[341o2]

Silent night, just had a fright
A man in red
Stands by my bed
"I bring you presents as you've been so good.
On second thoughts I don't know if I should."
B**r off you old fool!
B**r off you old fool!

 

[Gloster]

And of course there was Rambling Sid Rumpo:

Good King Borislav looked out on the feast of Grungers
Saw two men in the street whurdling rubber plungers...

 

[341o2]

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
Santa Claus has lost his trousers
On the motorway

While shepherds washed their socks by night
And hung them on a line
An angel of the Lord came down
And said "Those socks are mine"

While shepherds washed their socks by night
While watching ITV
An angel of the Lord came down
And switched to BBC

Reading Calthrop's French translation, the verse featured in ISIHAC, complete the following verses from Christmas cards

If you haven't got a penny, a halfpenny will do
If you haven't got a halfpenny......
...TBT "He takes plastic too."

 

[yorksrob]

From my school in the late 1960s and early 1970s:

Oh, star of wonder, star of night
Sit in a box of dynamite
It was loaded
It exploded
Now he knows how to blow his top

We also had the three kings of Orient trying to smoke a rubber cigar, but I can’t remember any more.

My father’s 1930s version of ‘While shepherds watched...’ referred to Sunlight soap.

Star of Wonder star of light
Charlie's set his pants alight
Up he went screaming, through the ceiling
Landed on a traffic light

That last line doesn't scan or rhyme does it

Rather like

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the bank
The angel of the Lord came down
And gave them all a blessing

While shepherds washed their socks by night All watching ITV

The Angel of the Lord came down and switched to BBC.

 

[hst43102]

Here's the only one I can remember (Northamptonshire or Warwickshire specific!)

Little Donkey
Little Donkey
On the A45
Got run over
By a Rover
And did not survive

 

[341o2]

To the tune of 'Winter Wonderland':

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Repeat v1

 

[david1212]

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
Here's a flagon / gallon of beer.


----

....
Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skis
Through the fields we go
Crashing into trees

The snow is turning red
It’s coming from my head
Someone phone an ambulance
I think I’m almost dead!

or last two lines

i woke up in the hospital
with stitches in my head

----

Slight variation
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin ran away
The Batmobile has lost its wheel
On the M1 / M6 motorway

 

[341o2]

Doorbell rings, I’m not listning,
From my mouth, drool is glistning,
I’m happy although
My boss let me go
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web (repeat)