Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[nw1]

Anyone who spells the word 'gauge' as 'guage' should be banned from ever travelling by train again.

The other way round, but I distinctly remember an advert in Record Mirror in the early 90s for a track called "Body Language" which was spelt "Body Langauge" - in the actual advert.

I've thought of some more.

- George Galloway.
- Katie Hopkins.

Yes, definitely these two.

Can think of quite a few things to put here, mostly regarding events of the past 5 years or so, but I don't think they'd be light-hearted enough to be appropriate.

How about:
- Software updates scheduled to run just as you start work, meaning your computer reboots when you only have a few minutes to do something...

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

Who is Katie H? She has been deported from Australia, perhaps a small island nation off the coast of Europe will offer her sanctuary.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Who is Katie H? She has been deported from Australia, perhaps a small island nation off the coast of Europe will offer her sanctuary.

I don't think that would be very fair on the people of Malta

 

[Busaholic]

I've thought of some more.

- EastEnders.
- eBay sellers who don't communicate, don't dispatch on time (without good reason) and/or profiteer on postage.
- George Galloway.
- Katie Hopkins.
- Messy and/or smelly food on public transport.
- People who have conversations loud enough for the whole street to hear.
- Shrinkflation.
,- TV licences.f

Yes, all those. Plus mispronunciation of Barnstaple as Barnstable, like Whitstable: on news reports everything is 'ahead of' instead of 'before', and some newsreaders think we get vaccine dozes (if only the disease would doze!)

 

[nw1]

Yes, all those. Plus mispronunciation of Barnstaple as Barnstable, like Whitstable: on news reports everything is 'ahead of' instead of 'before', and some newsreaders think we get vaccine dozes (if only the disease would doze!)

Except if you are referring to the Massachusetts town, which really is 'Barnstable'. That reminds me of the similar 'Tewksbury' in Massachusetts, which brings us back to Tewkesbury, Gloucestershire: apparently that's pronounced something like 'Chucksbury' - according to a local. Is that correct?

I don't think that would be very fair on the people of Malta

That does bring me to one of my other annoyances - people who claim that the UK is not part of 'Europe'.

Despite the actions of Mr Johnson and his government, we are still very much part, both geographically and culturally, of Europe. If we are not Europe, then four of the five New York boroughs (notably, Manhattan), Newfoundland and Vancouver Island are not North America. The seven continents include their geographically-associated offshore islands, not just the continental land masses themselves.

And doubtless the same people would try to deny that that the chalk downs of Pas-de-Calais are geologically related to - indeed, a continuation of - the North Downs....

Any ad which uses the expression 'two times' rather than 'twice'. Anyone able to shed any light on why?

Don't know for sure, but there was a dance track at the end of the 90s called 'Two Times'. From that maybe?

Regarding "Madchester", was that started by the music press back in the days when the Manchester bands The Stone Roses and Happy Mondays shot to fame?

Does anyone actually call the city Madchester? I have always taken it to refer to the music scene, not the city itself.

I could understand perfectly well when I saw a bus with "Not In Service" on the front - simple - but now it says "Sorry I'm Not In Service", as if we are all toddlers

Yes, this. Not so new either.

As a 12-year old I understood the meaning of 'Not in Service', so I'm sure most of us can.

There is more truly awful new music available today than there ever has been. https://xponorth.co.uk/resources/ov...spotify-every-day-thats-nearly-one-per-second says:

Going OT, but with all this new music available why do the pop charts seem to be so slow-moving these days? Definitely since about 2010 there seems to be a slow-down to a near crawl. Back iin the 90s the long stays at the top of Bryan Adams and Wet Wet Wet were notoriously unique and just about everyone of any age was aware of them , while apparently a number of other tracks have come close to replicating those feats in the last 10 years which I have never even heard of - suggesting songs stay around by default these days. Maybe because mainstream contemporary radio just plays the same 40 tracks over and over again for 6 months? (Not sure, don't listen to contemporary radio anymore, I'm stuck in the 70s-00s... sorry)

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Don't know for sure, but there was a dance track at the end of the 90s called 'Two Times'. From that maybe?

Are you thinking of The Fugees (who incidentally should really be called The 'Fugees- their name being a play on Refugees, as the blokes in the band were part of the Haitian diaspora) and their version of "Killing Me Softly"? One of them (Pras I think, as both Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean were reasonably talented) kept saying "One Time!" "Two Time!" at seemingly random intervals during the song.

 

[ABB125]

People who say barth instead of bath.

People who say bath instead of barth.

 

[nw1]

Are you thinking of The Fugees (who incidentally should really be called The 'Fugees- their name being a play on Refugees, as the blokes in the band were part of the Haitian diaspora) and their version of "Killing Me Softly"? One of them (Pras I think, as both Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean were reasonably talented) kept saying "One Time!" "Two Time!" at seemingly random intervals during the song.

There is that as well, yes - but I was thinking of something else, from 1999. Something like Ann Lee if I remember right.

More likely than a song (which I was half-jokingly suggesting TBH) I'm guessing it's US influence, in a similar way that 'Zee' is used by some British people nowadays.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

There is that as well, yes - but I was thinking of something else, from 1999. Something like Ann Lee if I remember right.

More likely than a song (which I was half-jokingly suggesting TBH) I'm guessing it's US influence, in a similar way that 'Zee' is used by British people nowadays.

Well, thanks for reminding me of that... that's my afternoon ruined!

In fact that's something that should definitely be banned- Eurodance and Happy Hardcore, along with pubs that play said music at full blast during the daytime!

 

[duncanp]

Also people who think scone rhymes with gone

People who think scone rhymes with loan.

 

[Gloster]

I am not sure if I would ban the top-knot hair style, but if only people would realise how stupid it looks it might well disappear. Going around with what appears to be a potato balanced on your head is not stylish.

 

[gg1]

People who think scone rhymes with loan are correct.

Fixed that for you

 

[nw1]

OK, I realise this is borderline in terms of light-heartedness, but here it is anyway:

- Rock stars that start out being rebellious and anti-establishment, and then become tedious right-wing bores when they get older. (Roger Daltrey, John 'Johnny Rotten' Lydon, I am looking at you)

- Populist figures who claim they are 'men of the people' and on the 'people's side' while spouting assorted nonsense - when they are wealthy, privileged and will not have to worry about money again. Roger Daltrey, John Lydon - I'm looking at you again. Nigel Farage, Donald Trump - likewise. "Champagne populists", I call them - and much more annoying than rhe much more maligned "champagne socialists".

- Celebs who support something when they, personally, will not be affected adversely by it. John 'Three Passports' Lydon supporting Brexit, I'm looking at you - again.

I do generally like Mr Daltrey and Mr Lydon's music, btw (though technically the former is generally written by Pete Townshend). I just find that, as people, both of them irritate me intensely.

 

[duncanp]

People who say "..can I get..." when asking for something in a coffee shop, pub or cafe.

This should be punishable by an afternoon in the stocks having rotten tomatoes thrown at you, or failing that being forced to wrk as an NHS Contact Tracer for at least two years.

 

[ABB125]

People who think scone rhymes with loan.

It does!

Fixed that for you

Is the correct answer!

 

[duncanp]

Fixed that for you

Presumably the i and the n key on your keyboard weren't working properly when you typed out that reply.

A similar situation arises with the word bruschetta.

Some parts of Italy pronounce it brusketta, and other parts pronunce it brushetta.

I would also like to ban all these property programs on TV, such as Escape To The Country.

I cannot stand watching all these ditsy couples going round several properties saying ".I don't like this.." or "..I don't like that..."

A special place in hell is also reserved for those smug couples who are selling a property in London or another big city, who then proceed to slag off that city and say how much better the countryside is. If it wasn't for the fact that you have lived in London/Birmingham/Manchester for long enough for your property to appreciate in value, you wouldn't be able to afford your house in the country, so don't knock the city where you lived for so long.

I really am turning into Victor Meldrew as I am fast approaching 60.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Cafés who advertise that they serve "paninis". You don't, you serve panini, and one of them is a panino.

 

[Mcr Warrior]

Cafés who advertise that they serve "paninis". You don't, you serve panini, and one of them is a panino.

Correct in Italian, of course, but in English, 'panino' is fairly uncommon as the singular form and the use of 'panini' is much more widespread, leading to the variant English plural form of 'paninis'.

Reckon you'll be fighting a losing battle on that one!

 

[Busaholic]

OK, I realise this is borderline in terms of light-heartedness, but here it is anyway:

- Rock stars that start out being rebellious and anti-establishment, and then become tedious right-wing bores when they get older. (Roger Daltrey, John 'Johnny Rotten' Lydon, I am looking at you)

- Populist figures who claim they are 'men of the people' and on the 'people's side' while spouting assorted nonsense - when they are wealthy, privileged and will not have to worry about money again. Roger Daltrey, John Lydon - I'm looking at you again. Nigel Farage, Donald Trump - likewise. "Champagne populists", I call them - and much more annoying than rhe much more maligned "champagne socialists".
- Celebs who support something when they, personally, will not be affected adversely by it. John 'Three Passports' Lydon supporting Brexit, I'm looking at you - again.

I do generally like Mr Daltrey and Mr Lydon's music, btw (though technically the former is generally written by Pete Townshend). I just find that, as people, both of them irritate me intensely.

The Sex Pistols were a Malcolm McLaren creation, and he was nothing if not a Thatcherite Free Marketeer, and friend of the ghastly Vivienne Westwood. Both me-me-me people, so no surprise Lydon conformed to type later on.

 

[Meerkat]

I would also like to ban all these property programs on TV

Related to that, and as a result of those programmes, I would ban the use of ‘property’ by homebuyers.
Its a cold word used by speculators and should not be used by those for whom the ‘house’ or ‘flat’ will be their ‘home’.

 

[Techniquest]

There is that as well, yes - but I was thinking of something else, from 1999. Something like Ann Lee if I remember right.

More likely than a song (which I was half-jokingly suggesting TBH) I'm guessing it's US influence, in a similar way that 'Zee' is used by some British people nowadays.

Ann Lee Rimes I believe you're thinking of, and I've got to go find it now...

Well I was wrong, where the Rimes bit came from in my memory banks I don't know, but YouTube has it:

Now I be off to play it First time I've actually watched that throughout, what a strange video

Well, thanks for reminding me of that... that's my afternoon ruined!

In fact that's something that should definitely be banned- Eurodance and Happy Hardcore, along with pubs that play said music at full blast during the daytime!

Get your hands off my happy hardcore and my Euro stuff! Next you'll be telling me not to play anything with a Nightcore version...

I will concur that pubs playing it at full volume is overkill though, no need for that!

Cafés who advertise that they serve "paninis". You don't, you serve panini, and one of them is a panino.

Really? I genuinely didn't know that! You'll be in for a hard time finding many people who did know though, panini has been long ingrained into modern culture as a singular not a plural.

 

[adrock1976]

Regarding panini/panino, should the singular be paninus and the plural panini?

I am thinking of maths classes at primary school many years ago that the distance from the centre to the edge of a circle is the radius, but if two or more, it becomes radii (derived from Latin).

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Correct in Italian, of course, but in English, 'panino' is fairly uncommon as the singular form and the use of 'panini' is much more widespread, leading to the variant English plural form of 'paninis'.

Reckon you'll be fighting a losing battle on that one!

Well yeah, that's why it's in this light-hearted thread!

Ann Lee Rimes I believe you're thinking of, and I've got to go find it now...

Well I was wrong, where the Rimes bit came from in my memory banks I don't know, but YouTube has it:

Perhaps Lee-Ann Rimes, the American pop-country singer from around the same period? I'm always getting confused about stuff like that too- weird how the human brain works sometimes.

Regarding panini/panino, should the singular be paninus and the plural panini?

Not for around 2,000 years!

 

[tbtc]

People who are still arguing about what to call a bread roll - it's 2021, we've been having this debate on social media for at least a decade, we all know that different places had different names for similar things - it's getting a bit boring (especially when it's someone trying to be provocative/ controversial_

People who try to second guess what you are saying so that they can finish the sentence for you - it's a bit creepy

A bit of a niche one but... people who respond to Susie Dent's "word of the day" tweet with something like "hey, this is just like Boris Johnson" << yes, that's the point - she picks a word with a topical reference, but people seem to keep thinking that they are being original by finding a connection

Ann Lee Rimes I believe you're thinking of, and I've got to go find it now...

Well I was wrong, where the Rimes bit came from in my memory banks I don't know

Are you thinking of this lady: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeAnn_Rimes

(which reminds me of the poster advertising her concert" LeAnne Rimes With Special Guests" << to which the answer is, "no it doesn't")

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Actually seeing as we're onto music, anyone who takes their acoustic guitar to the pub and tries to play "Wonderwall" in the beer garden.

 

[Techniquest]

Perhaps Lee-Ann Rimes, the American pop-country singer from around the same period? I'm always getting confused about stuff like that too- weird how the human brain works sometimes.

That makes sense, but I'm not sure looking at that why I know her name. Was it her who sung 'Can't Fight The Moonlight' in some movie in the 1990s? I can't really remember for sure, the brain is an amazing piece of kit but it's very complicated!

Off-topic, but related to brains, mine fascinates me. It takes months and many attempts to get it to accept a new lifestyle, but nothing works. All of a sudden, one day, it all clicks! Seems to just wake up one day and go 'yeah let's do that now!

(which reminds me of the poster advertising her concert" LeAnne Rimes With Special Guests" << to which the answer is, "no it doesn't")

Sorry, editing your quote has messed up and the bit I wanted specifically I've managed to delete, with typing it in manually not working properly.

That bit there though, I did smile at the pedantry!

 

[Meerkat]

Actually seeing as we're onto music, anyone who takes their acoustic guitar to the pub and tries to play "Wonderwall" in the beer garden.

That is covered by my general ‘anyone who wants to share their music’ rule, which covers guitars, buskers with amps, music over phone speakers, leaking earphones, thumping car stereos…..
There seems to be an inverse relationship between how keen someone is to share their music and how good/popular it is!

 

[Mcr Warrior]

There seems to be an inverse relationship between how keen someone is to share their music and how good/popular it is!

Quite! Would you pay money to listen to them, or maybe pay them to get them to stop?!

 

[gg1]

The Sex Pistols were a Malcolm McLaren creation, and he was nothing if not a Thatcherite Free Marketeer, and friend of the ghastly Vivienne Westwood. Both me-me-me people, so no surprise Lydon conformed to type later on.

Indeed.

A punk friend I knew at Uni who despised the Sex Pistols used to delight in pointing out that since Lydon and Sid Vicious were offered their slots in the band purely on the basis of their appearance and personality, they were in fact nothing more than a (sweary) boy band.

 

[adrock1976]

Indeed.

A punk friend I knew at Uni who despised the Sex Pistols used to delight in pointing out that since Lydon and Sid Vicious were offered their slots in the band purely on the basis of their appearance and personality, they were in fact nothing more than a (sweary) boy band.

Although a good thing to have came from that was it also catapulted the TV presenter Bill Grundy to fame (even though most of the UK population had never heard of him, and he was also a drunken pervert). Grundy was never heard of again since after that famous interview, and is a case of 'Where is he now"?