Forum Jokes

[LSWR Cavalier]

It is a standard adaptable joke (is it unkind to Americans? I could adapt it to describe my first visit to Leipzig) about strangers who belittle places
The same could happen in York (gee, what is that gigantic church?) or Barnard Castle (what is that huge French chateau doing here?)

 

[Calthrop]

@LSWR Cavalier -- thanks. In many respects, I live under a rock: don't seem hitherto in my life, to have encountered precisely this brand of the "bigger-and-better-boaster-abroad" joke !

 

[MotCO]

Perhaps I'm dim; but I don't get this one about the American in Leipzig. Might some kind and more on-the-ball person, perhaps elucidate?

You're not the only one

 

[Calthrop]

You're not the only one

My thanks -- I feel a little bit better...

Might I submit another one -- from some decades ago, when passenger rail services in the USA were wider-ranging than now -- general theme, brash American doing the "bigger-and-better-bragging" number; but also, "bad-mouthing" the efficient rail system of the other country...

A Texan is visiting Israel: struck by the sheer smallness of the country, he remarks to a local inhabitant: "You know, where I come from, you can get on a train in Texas; and days later, you'll still be in Texas."

The Israeli replies: "Yes, we often have the same problem with our trains."

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

In Russia one could travel for weeks without leaving the country%)

Humour is a right queer business. Someone claimed to have found a 'joke' that was understood in many different cultures:
A hunter had his gun go off by accident, the bullet struck his companion. He dialled 999, 'I think I may have killed someone', "he said
'Are you sure he is dead?' said the operator
There was a pause, a shot was heard
'Yes, I am' came the reply
..
A bit sick, I think

Alaska is too big, geographically. There were plans to divide into North and South parts. A Texan politician complained. 'Then we should only be the third largest state of the Union', he bleated

 

[Merle Haggard]

In Russia one could travel for weeks without leaving the country%)

Humour is a right queer business. Someone claimed to have found a 'joke' that was understood in many different cultures:
A hunter had his gun go off by accident, the bullet struck his companion. He dialled 999, 'I think I may have killed someone', "he said
'Are you sure he is dead?' said the operator
There was a pause, a shot was heard
'Yes, I am' came the reply
..
A bit sick, I think

Spike Milligan did a variation of that one on the BBC Light Programme about 60 years ago..
999 call
Spike "I've just looked in the kitchen, I think my wife's dead!!!"
Operator, "Are you sure?"
Sound of receding footsteps and door opening; gun shot; returning footsteps
Spike "Yes"

 

[Camberman]

A seasonal offering:

Debating Society Meeting - December topic
Were Mary and Joseph in a stable relationship?

 

[simonw]

Perhaps I'm dim; but I don't get this one about the American in Leipzig. Might some kind and more on-the-ball person, perhaps elucidate?

I believe that the op has muddled the joke. The story should be that the American is on holiday and goes on a guided tour. The city is not key to the joke. Every time the tour guide points out a large building he asks how long it took to build. 5 years, 10_years whatever and the tourist states that back home it would have taken only 1 year, or whatever.

The tour operator gets fed up with this and next time th e tourist asks what a big building is answers, sorry sir I don't kno w, it wasn't here when I last was doing the tour last week. Ie it was built very quickly.

 

[najaB]

Speaking of Texas...

How do you confuse a Texan? Ask them how tall the midgets are.

 

[MotCO]

My thanks -- I feel a little bit better...

Might I submit another one -- from some decades ago, when passenger rail services in the USA were wider-ranging than now -- general theme, brash American doing the "bigger-and-better-bragging" number; but also, "bad-mouthing" the efficient rail system of the other country...

A Texan is visiting Israel: struck by the sheer smallness of the country, he remarks to a local inhabitant: "You know, where I come from, you can get on a train in Texas; and days later, you'll still be in Texas."

The Israeli replies: "Yes, we often have the same problem with our trains."

That one I do understand

 

[DaveHarries]

A seasonal offering:

Debating Society Meeting - December topic
Were Mary and Joseph in a stable relationship?

Good one.

Meanwhile somebody told me today that the Christmas alphabet only has 25 letters: apparently it has noel.

Dave

 

[Red Onion]

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.

 

[Cowley]

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.

Now that’s good!

 

[EbbwJunction1]

This might be my retaliation for post 1,302:

I've just read that the Civic power in Cairo has asked taxi drivers to drive around the city, sounding their horns. It's hoped that the return of well-known sounds will help with the mental health of the population.

Let's hope that the "Toot and Calm 'em" campaign will help...

(Sorry!)

 

[Red Onion]

That is a brilliant retaliation!

 

[EbbwJunction1]

Thanks ... I can't claim ownership, though, because I've stolen it from another forum!

 

[bussnapperwm]

One thanks to the Have I Got News For You twitter

Tory donors receive early Christmas present from Boris Johnson, consisting of three French hens, two turtle doves and a peerage for a small fee.

 

[DerekC]

What happened to the zoologist who crossed a hyena with an Oxo cube?

..... he became a laughing stock.

 

[High Dyke]

Two nuns are cycling down the street. One nun says "I've never come this way before sister". The other nun replies "it must be the cobbles".

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Two nuns are cycling down the street. One nun says "I've never come this way before sister". The other nun replies "it must be the cobbles".

That reminds me of a limerick...

There was a young lady from Woking;
Who claimed that her hymen was broke in;
From riding her bike;
On a rough cobbled pike;

But the truth is it happened through poking!

 

[zuriblue]

Two Donald Trump supporters die and go to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?"

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232."

After a few seconds of stunned silence one guy turns to the other and whispers, "This goes higher up than we thought."

 

[Tracked]

There was an old lady from Slough
Who once had a terrible cough
She sounded quite rough
But battled on through
I think she is better now, though.


first heard on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Two Donald Trump supporters die and go to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?"

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232."

After a few seconds of stunned silence one guy turns to the other and whispers, "This goes higher up than we thought."

You had me in stitches at the first line!
----------------------
The Pope and a personal injury lawyer both die at the exact same time, and find themselves at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter welcomes them both in to give them the tour. First he shows the late Pontiff to his quarters, and it's fairly plush: there's leather couches everywhere, lovely soft duck-down pillows, and an endless supply of communion wine, grapes and literature to read for the rest of eternity. The Pope seems happy with this, and the lawyer is fairly impressed too. Next, St. Peter leads the lawyer to his quarters on the next cloud, where there are fountains of champagne, an endless supply of caviar, and a bevvy of topless maidens to wait on the lucky lawyer's every wish.
The lawyer is shocked and says "I don't understand... I mean, the Pope's cloud was nice and all, but this is way better than what he got, and I spent my life chasing ambulances to make a quick buck, not leading God's people. What's going on?" St. Peter sighs and says "Well, my child... we've had dozens of Popes here over the years, but you're the first lawyer to make it!".

 

[Red Onion]

There’s a rumour circulating that the covid vaccine may run out by the end of the week.

The Pfizer Chiefs predict a riot.

 

[trainophile]

There’s a rumour circulating that the covid vaccine may run out by the end of the week.

The Pfizer Chiefs predict a riot.

Second time I've seen this today and I still don't get it . Anyone explain please?

Edit: Have had it explained to me now. I've never heard of the Kaiser Chiefs!

 

[scotrail158713]

Second time I've seen this today and I still don't get it . Anyone explain please?

Same with me

On further research it turns out the Kaizer Chiefs had a single called “I Predict a Riot”

 

[PG]

Second time I've seen this today and I still don't get it . Anyone explain please?

Play on words see https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Predict_a_Riot

EDIT: scotrail 158713 beat me to it!

 

[trainophile]

Ah, it's not exactly rolling in the aisles then, but fair enough. Glad it wasn't just me.

 

[Peter C]

I don't know if this one's already been posted or not: I saw it quite a while ago on Twitter I believe. I think I've probably changed it from what I first read.
=====

A farmer's moving his cattle from one field to another across a country road. It's the middle of Winter and his cows are so cold that they've frozen right in the way of any oncoming traffic. "Oh God", he thinks; "How will I ever move my cows?"
As he paces up and down, trying to think of a solution, a small woman in an orange coat and yellow beret appears. She waves her arms and the cows defrost and continue moving. "By 'eck" this man says (this story now being set in that bit of land between the Midlands and Scotland), "how d'ya do that?"
The lady responds, "Don't worry love; I'm Thora Hird."

====
This works better if you say it aloud at the end.

-Peter

 

[scotrail158713]

A little known fact about the late Phil Spector. His younger brother named Crispin used to be head of Quality Assurance at Walkers.