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Forum Jokes
- Thread starter Heinz57
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Busaholic
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Uxbridge English Dictionary definition of an influencer - someone who urges you to catch the flu.
Much improved by saying it aloud!
Much improved by saying it aloud!
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Two nuns are in the bath at the convent. One says "Where's the soap?" The other replies, "Yes it does, but it's worth it!"
I used to come here for clean jokes, but I think some contributors have got the wrong end of the stick! (said Finbarr Saunders, possibly......fnarr fnarr)
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
They were in the bath and using soap... you can't get much cleaner than that!
I'm going to feel so dumb when I see the reply, but I don't get it?
Ummmm....that was kind of what I meant! Back to the word-play drawing board, I guess (no hidden pun in that).......
The nuns are using the soap as phallic substitutes. It's a play on "Wears" and "Where's".......
That puts a whole new meaning to "Where's Wally"....
BREAKING NEWS:
ITV have announced that tonight's "I'm a Celebrity" is going to be boosted by the arrival of Yoko Ono They've been very impressed with her survival skills, as she's been living off a dead Beatle for over 40 years.
ITV have announced that tonight's "I'm a Celebrity" is going to be boosted by the arrival of Yoko Ono They've been very impressed with her survival skills, as she's been living off a dead Beatle for over 40 years.
Caboose Class
Member
Jumbo Jet full of passengers in flight when all engines fail. Pilot announces that they have 30 minutes gliding time left but as they are mid North Atlantic there is no chance of making land. Furthermore, due to inclement conditions there is little chance of rescue and whoever survives the crash will, like as not, die of hypothermia. Everyone is very calm, fatalistic almost. Some begin to pray quietly, some write letters to loved ones. Others speak in hushed tones of their love for each other when all of a sudden a young girl stands up and, with all eyes on her, cries out, "I am still a virgin. I don't want to die without ever becoming a woman. Will someone help me, please!" All are embarrassed apart from old Albert, a Yorkshire miner who after working down t'pits for 40 years has decided to take a good holiday. He stands up and begins to unbutton his shirt. Some look away but some cannot take their eyes off the scene. In his best Tyke accent he says "Don't worry thi'sen lass. Ah’ll make a proper woman o'thee." Throwing his shirt on the floor in front of her he makes his demands. "Get me shirt ironed reet quick lass. Ah've a darts match on toneet".
Another Tyke joke
Four old retired gentlemen are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – all drinks only 10p each.” They look at one another and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. Graham, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in lads and let me pour you all a drink What’ll it be?’
There’s a fully stocked bar and each of the men orders a Martini. In double quick time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred and says, ‘That’ll be 10p each, please.’ The four gentlemen stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ‘That’ll be 40p, please.’ They pay the 40p, but their curiosity now gets the better of them. They’ve each had two Martinis and haven’t even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, ‘How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?’
‘I’m a retired plumber,’ the bartender says, ‘but I always wanted to own my own bar. Last year I won the Lottery. Collected £2 million and decided to open this place up. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, beer - it’s all the same price. I'm not interested in the money - I just want to give folk a good time’ ‘Wow! That’s some story!’ one of the men says.
As the four of them sip their Martinis, they can’t help but noticing six other people sat at the other end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the six at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ‘What’s with them?’ The bartender replies, ‘They’re all retired folk from Yorkshire. They’re all waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.’
Another Tyke joke
Four old retired gentlemen are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – all drinks only 10p each.” They look at one another and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. Graham, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in lads and let me pour you all a drink What’ll it be?’
There’s a fully stocked bar and each of the men orders a Martini. In double quick time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred and says, ‘That’ll be 10p each, please.’ The four gentlemen stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ‘That’ll be 40p, please.’ They pay the 40p, but their curiosity now gets the better of them. They’ve each had two Martinis and haven’t even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, ‘How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?’
‘I’m a retired plumber,’ the bartender says, ‘but I always wanted to own my own bar. Last year I won the Lottery. Collected £2 million and decided to open this place up. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, beer - it’s all the same price. I'm not interested in the money - I just want to give folk a good time’ ‘Wow! That’s some story!’ one of the men says.
As the four of them sip their Martinis, they can’t help but noticing six other people sat at the other end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the six at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ‘What’s with them?’ The bartender replies, ‘They’re all retired folk from Yorkshire. They’re all waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.’
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So are people who are vaccinated
High Dyke
Established Member
A nun runs into see the Mother Superior. "There's a case of syphilis in the convent" she exclaims. "Thank God" cries the Mother Superior, "I was getting bored of Beaujolais!"
High Dyke
Established Member
Two wind turbines are stood talking to each other. One as;"What's your favourite type of music?" "I'm a heavy metal fan" replies the other one.
341o2
Established Member
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- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,908
Westminster has cancelled its nativity play
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin, but were inundated regarding the part of the donkey
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin, but were inundated regarding the part of the donkey
REVUpminster
Member
Sunday, Wife "Can you fix the leaking tap"
Husband "I'm not a plumber"
Monday, Wife "Can you fix the car"
Husband "I'm not a mechanic"
Tuesday, Wife "Can you fix the drawer"
Husband "I'm not a carpenter"
Wednesday, Wife. "the next door neighbour came by and fixed everything"
Husband "Did he want any money"
Wife "he wanted me to bake him a cake or sleep with him"
Husband "What did you bake him"
Wife "I'm not a baker"
Husband "I'm not a plumber"
Monday, Wife "Can you fix the car"
Husband "I'm not a mechanic"
Tuesday, Wife "Can you fix the drawer"
Husband "I'm not a carpenter"
Wednesday, Wife. "the next door neighbour came by and fixed everything"
Husband "Did he want any money"
Wife "he wanted me to bake him a cake or sleep with him"
Husband "What did you bake him"
Wife "I'm not a baker"
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,908
I've been told alligators can grow up to 18 feet, but have never seen one with more than four
PeterY
Established Member
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- 2 Apr 2013
- Messages
- 1,316
Or how about Puddle on the Bathroom Floor by I. P. Squint.
Worst part about them is you can't eat themChristmas cracker time again
Paul Jones 88
Member
Some girl just asked me how long is the train to Ashford, I told her 160 metres.
Strat-tastic
Established Member
The Haunted House, by Hugo First.
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