Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[Altrincham]

Also Grexit and the never ending list of "xit" words that followed.
And "gate" being added to any word to make it sound scandalous, for example "garden gate" even sounds like a news story.

Yes ‘xit’ - another one that really grates.

On a separate note, various people have mentioned TV programmes. A few things on TV programmes that should be banned:

• the build-up and constant recapping in programmes where it is completely unnecessary. A recent example seems to be where the BBC programme Coast has been replaced with a programme called Our Coast. This new version spent the first full minute of the programme describing what the series was about, and the next full minute was spent telling the viewers what was featured in that episode.
• TV presenters who join in and ‘have-a-go’ at whatever task or skill or expertise is being shown or featured on a programme.
• Soaps having a storyline where someone can easily change a flight ticket (there’s never any dialogue about admin fees or cancellation charges)
• The shrinking of the screen when the end credits of a programme or film are running

 

[Mat17]

Housefiles. Wouldn't mind if they went extinct.

Add slugs and midges to that list...

 

[Alan Glaum]

Describing temperatures above 25C as nice/good weather rather than evil sweat/smell inducing trouble

 

[Mat17]

I totally agree, I shudder when they say 'glorious weather...'

To me glorious weather is Goldilocks weather, neither too hot, nor to cold. Not too sunny or too dull. Basically an average September day.

 

[Calthrop]

Comedians, particularly stand-up ones, who think that adding obscenities makes a routine, story or joke funnier (or even funny when it isn’t).

I'll probably be mocked for this -- as with my thoughts about "cromulent" -- but, for me, the whole "stand-up" comedian / comedy thing. Strikes me as a buzz-expression which has caught on everywhere; and an unnecessary one (are there other comedians, who deliver their pearls of wit while sitting down?) -- but somehow this "tag" is redolent of right-on caring-where-it-matters woke-ness, and nearly everyone seems to revel in using it.

 

[Meerkat]

Drive through fast food could certainly be banned. Perhaps the cops could lurk nearby and try to deal with those trying to drive while trying to eat and drink.

The queue usually has some cops in it!!

Oh yes, definitely! I was recently at a service station, and the fuel was a good 15p more expensive per litre than the surrounding area.

Running a 24hr motorway service station can’t be cheap.

May I add…
Pedestrians pushing the crossing button without looking to see if they need to. Particularly stupid when it would have been quicker for them to let me whizz by, then cross behind me, rather than have to wait for me to come to a stop and the lights change.

 

[ABB125]

Inspired by the above...

Annoying children who press the button on a pedestrian crossing, but have no intention of crossing. (Yes, that was me! )

 

[Busaholic]

I'd go for the men in sandals who wear white socks.

CJ

Or, indeed, any socks or other form of hosiery.

 

[LSWR Cavalier]

Describing temperatures above 25C as nice/good weather rather than evil sweat/smell inducing trouble

25° is above my limit, 20° max.

I noted today was expected to be very sunny, planned to stay at home. In fact it is overcast and relatively cool, quite nice weather. Can I get my money back?
..
I do find use of the 12-hour clock confusing and unfamiliar.

 

[bspahh]

Comedians, particularly stand-up ones, who think that adding obscenities makes a routine, story or joke funnier (or even funny when it isn’t).

And audience members who laugh loudly to show how sophisticated, with-it or adult they are.

Comedy is one area in culture, where there is a well-defined, unambiguous measure of success. There is a binary threshold between a laugh and stone-faced silence, a smile or smirk. Sometimes there might be things that other people laugh at, that leave you cold.

When you have a comedian, with a practiced routine that is sprinkled with obscenity, then it is because it is funnier, for their target audience, than the same routine without the swearing. Comedians get paid for the laughter they induce.

If it doesn't work for you, you weren't the target audience.

I listened to a podcast the other day, where a comedian said that he had made a movie with a budget of tens of millions of pounds which had less testing than he would have done for a standup act in a tiny club.

 

[pdeaves]

Any sort of 'audible next door or beyond' music that seems particularly prevalent as soon as the sun comes out. Just because it's 'nice' out doesn't mean I need to hear your noise (just like you probably don't want to hear mine)!

 

[Mcr Warrior]

Comedy is one area in culture, where there is a well-defined, unambiguous measure of success. There is a binary threshold between a laugh and stone-faced silence, a smile or smirk. Sometimes there might be things that other people laugh at, that leave you cold.

Such as "Mrs. Brown's Boys"?

If it doesn't work for you, you weren't the target audience.

Quite!

 

[nlogax]

Literal minutes of pre-recorded sales and general patter when calling to renew car insurance using a new debit card, all before getting to the menu. Then a piano rendition of Careless Whisper for the on-hold music. All via an 0345 number. Get in the bin, all of it.

 

[Busaholic]

I must be a lot less on edge these days, because normally I have thousands, but for the time being:



Traffic lights on busy roads that don't give a signal for pedestrians to cross (it amazes me that this is allowed).

Not saying this applies to all of them, but a good many in my locality don't carry a pedestrian signal because the sequence and timing of the lights can change according to time of day or usage, and it'd be too difficult to incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians.

 

[Jon_jpwh]

Websites that use CAPTCHA or reCAPTCHA especially where they use pictures of pedestrian crossings and call them crosswalks.

 

[py_megapixel]

Not saying this applies to all of them, but a good many in my locality don't carry a pedestrian signal because the sequence and timing of the lights can change according to time of day or usage, and it'd be too difficult to incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians.

Frankly that sounds like a lie - or at least an incomplete story - on the part of the local authority (assuming that's who told you that). A better description is probably

it'd be too difficult to incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians while maintaining absolute convenience for motorists

or

it'd be too expensive to design a system which could incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians

or

we are overly risk-averse and starved for funding and don't want to bother trying to incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians

 

[madjack]

Food on trains (like a packet of crisps) being routinely described on the Tannoy or menu as "delicious" or "mouthwatering" or "handmade", or telling me to "spoil myself".

Just thinking about it has put me in a really bad mood now.

 

[yorksrob]

Not saying this applies to all of them, but a good many in my locality don't carry a pedestrian signal because the sequence and timing of the lights can change according to time of day or usage, and it'd be too difficult to incorporate the different patterns into a foolproof, safe system for pedestrians.

Unforunately that doesn't help pedestrians wanting to cross at a junction much help.

That said, I notice that in your neck of the woods, where there is a pelican crossing, they don't make pedestrians wait for ten minutes for the lights to change

 

[nlogax]

Food on trains (like a packet of crisps) being routinely described on the Tannoy or menu as "delicious" or "mouthwatering" or "handmade", or telling me to "spoil myself".

Chatty packaging in general. For decades now British marketing has exuded a desperate need to tell you about what experience you think you should be having when consuming something.

 

[py_megapixel]

Literal minutes of pre-recorded sales and general patter when calling to renew car insurance using a new debit card, all before getting to the menu. Then a piano rendition of Careless Whisper for the on-hold music. All via an 0345 number. Get in the bin, all of it.

I think I'd extend that further, and ban any advertising on a phone line which is likely to be used by someone who already has given or intends to give the company in question money.

 

[ABB125]

Websites that use CAPTCHA or reCAPTCHA especially where they use pictures of pedestrian crossings and call them crosswalks.

Or indeed websites with a reCAPTCHA tick box which, occasionally for no apparent reason, immediately unticks itself as soon as you tick it, rendering the website unusable.

*cough*cough* routeing point calculator *cough*cough*
(Speaking of which, I'd also ban the National Rail website user interface. The only reason I use it sometimes is for the "allow less time when crossing London" option!)

 

[superjohn]

• Soaps having a storyline where someone can easily change a flight ticket (there’s never any dialogue about admin fees or cancellation charges)

Neighbours has a particularly irritating habit of off screen characters “getting on the very first flight” for the most tenuous of reasons. They will then arrive in Ramsay Street the next day with a single bag, immediately find somewhere to live that has conveniently just become available and remain for months/years. Whatever life they had before getting on that flight is simply dropped and forgotten (until a never before mentioned child arrives in the same manner!)

Similarly characters that leave will express an interest in moving away on Monday and will have made all the home/job etc arrangements in time to be driven to the airport accompanied by solemn music by the end of Wednesday’s episode.

Yes, I know it’s not real…

 

[SteveM70]

People using the first person to describe inanimate objects. I’m looking at you, Northern, and your inane “Hi! I’m carriage 52344 and I want to look my best for you” stickers, and my work who insist on having signs for broken printers / toilets / whatever that say “sorry I’m feeling a bit poorly”

This is the big wide world, not a playgroup

 

[Darandio]

Following an almighty clatter just now in the kitchen i'd also like to nominate banning any family member from the house that decides to pile up crockery in the sink in such a way that it represents a late stage game of Jenga.

 

[py_megapixel]

People using the first person to describe inanimate objects. I’m looking at you, Northern, and your inane “Hi! I’m carriage 52344 and I want to look my best for you” stickers.

Those stickers are quite handy though if you want to report a fault and forgot to note the number when you got on.

 

[gg1]

People using the first person to describe inanimate objects. I’m looking at you, Northern, and your inane “Hi! I’m carriage 52344 and I want to look my best for you” stickers, and my work who insist on having signs for broken printers / toilets / whatever that say “sorry I’m feeling a bit poorly”

This is the big wide world, not a playgroup

Not quite as annoying as the talking toilets on Pendolinos (at least in Virgin days, not sure if Avanti silenced them).

 

[py_megapixel]

Not quite as annoying as the talking toilets on Pendolinos (at least in Virgin days, not sure if Avanti silenced them).

The "Hi, I'm the toilet!" bit is gone, but it still says "Attention: The toilet door is not locked."

 

[SteveM70]

Those stickers are quite handy though if you want to report a fault and forgot to note the number when you got on.

I don’t have a problem with the concept, it’s the way they’ve gone about it that grates

Not quite as annoying as the talking toilets on Pendolinos (at least in Virgin days, not sure if Avanti silenced them).

Well, yes.

 

[godfreycomplex]

Deeply, deeply ironically - inability to be relaxed about things

 

[61653 HTAFC]

The use of the word brought instead of bought. For example, "I've just been to the supermarket and brought some apples".

Now I do appreciate that many people may have circumstances/conditions that mean they cannot really avoid doing it. For most though it's just an annoying and contagious habit that they need to stop, it winds me up!

That one seems to have become more frequent with the advent of predictive text (indeed I've had to go back and edit a few times). Far more irritating is "I should of...". Yes, that is how most people north of Watford (and east of Basildon) say it but it should be written "should've". That one is so common that the other day I almost typed it. Oh, the shame!

Also, people who forget to close their parentheses...